Have you ever said to your partner, "not tonight, I'm too tired," or "I have a headache" to avoid intimacy? Faked an orgasm just to get it over with? Rest assured, you're not alone.
Many of my clients complain about the lack of intimacy in their love life, and a lack of sex drive. While this can be hormonal or physically related, it can also stem from feeling overwhelmed, stressed, or just plain exhausted.
Many women often put sex last on their list, and for some, sex becomes a chore. There is so much pressure placed on women, either by themselves, societal norms, and/or loved ones, that many women are pushed beyond their limits.
Women and men alike, crave physical intimacy, but we are driven by sex differently. In short, women need emotional connection to have sex, and men need sex to have an emotional connection. It's a bit of a chicken-or-the-egg conundrum.
Rejecting or avoiding sex with your partner, for whatever reason, leaves the other party feeling disconnected, unimportant, and forgotten. Most women recognize their partners' need for physical intimacy, and offer their bodies as a kind of compromise, without ever climaxing themselves. Sure, the physical contact and act of sex is enjoyable and strengthens the bond between both people. Sometimes, that's enough, but wouldn't it be wonderful if both parties both could reap the benefits of sexual orgasm?
In my practice, I've found that the most common reason women in healthy relationships shy away from sex, is because they are stressed out. Stress can take many different forms; being overwhelmed, feeling anxious, insomnia, weight gain, a racing mind, emotional insecurities, and even body aches, illness and physical fatigue.
These same women turn around and push even harder to try to combat these stressors individually. Adding more responsibility to their plates. Take weight management for example. Everyone has been told, to lose weight you need to eat less, and workout more. Which adds more responsibility, more time to set aside for meal planning, and working out. More to think about every day, tracking calories, tracking steps, workouts, etc. This can be super overwhelming, if you're already pushed to your limit.
We all have a unique limit, a set amount of bandwidth to work with. Adding more to an already over loaded life, creates an environment for failure. It may seem counter intuitive to stop working out to lose weight, but sometimes that's what is needed. Eliminating a workout three times a week, can add an extra few hours of sleep every night, more time for your body to self-regulate hormones and support a healthy eating plan to get you to your goals.
You can try and combat each stressor individually … or you can look at your life as a whole. One of the most impactful, yet often unrecognized methods for improving overall health and wellness is Life Editing.
Life Editing is a process where you look at EVERYTHING in your life and decide what is really important. As Marie Kondo says, "Does this spark joy?" If it does, keep it. If not, dispose of it." Life Editing can be done on your own, but is much more effective under the guidance of a therapist or life coach. Having an external third party, look over your life, and help you choose what to keep, and what to let go of is extremely effective. It's also valuable to have an accountability partner, someone to keep you on task, cheer you on as you hit milestones and be your cheerleader.
Not to mention, Life Editing can have a huge impact on your self-confidence. Feeling balanced and accomplished, will make you feel more attractive. You'll present yourself to others with more confidence. With less stress and anxiety, you'll smile more often, have more time for self-care, and strengthening relationships. Intimacy will naturally start to increase and you'll have a much clearer vision of what important to you. Allowing yourself to live a more nourishing life.